69 Valentine’s Day Jokes That Are Heart to Beat

Funny Valentine’s Day jokes for your sweetheart.

Valentine's Day jokes that are eggs-actly your type.

Sure, you could go all out for Valentine’s Day this year – the fancy chocolates, the red roses, the reservation at a nice restaurant, etcetera, etcetera. But here’s the truth: if you really want to impress your valentine, just make ’em laugh. And the best way to do that is to tell a few of these hilarious jokes. But be careful – the following humor might make your date giggle so hard they spill on your nice outfit. And that would be a shame.

V-Day isn’t always hearts and candy. Sometimes, things can go terribly wrong. Fortunately, we’ve got tons more gut-busting humor to lift your romantic spirits. Chuckle at these cute Cupid jokes or enjoy some good relationship roasting.

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Funny Jokes for Valentine’s Day

Write a witty joke in your valentines and everyone will want to be yours.

Why shouldn’t you ask a pastry chef to be your valentine? She’ll probably dessert you.
What did the herb gardener ask his sweetheart on February 14? Will you be my valen-thyme?
Why did the truck driver always have a date on Valentine’s? He had a good pickup line.
What do you get from witches on Valentine’s Day? Hags and kisses.
Why don’t soccer players like Valentine’s Day? They hate getting red cards.
Why did the boy put Valentine’s Day candy under his pillow? Because he wanted sweet dreams.
What’s the most romantic kind of ship? Courtship.

What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? Her-she’s kisses.
Where do hamburgers take their dates on Valentine’s Day? To the meat ball.
What kind of exercise does Cupid do? Arrow-bics.
Where did the tightrope walker meet his valentine? Online dating.
What do dirty martinis tell their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day? Olive you.
What do single people call Valentine’s Day? Independence Day.
Who makes people fall in love while waiting in line? Queue-pid.

Cheesy Valentine’s Day Jokes

Cute Valentine’s Day jokes for adults and kids.

How do you ask a watchmaker to go out with you on February 14? Will you be my valen-time?
What’s the best meal to have on Valentine’s Day? A hearty one.
What do you give your valentine in France? A big quiche.
What did the chemist say to his valentine? I’ve got my ion you.
What’s the best place to find dates for Valentine’s Day? The grocery store.
How do you protect a jewelry store on Valentine’s Day? You locket.
How do pig farmers celebrate Valentine’s Day? With hogs and kisses.

What’s the best way to find Cupid? Follow the arrows.
What flowers get the most kisses on Valentine’s Day? Tulips.
Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it’s February 14th.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts.
What song do bakers listen to on Valentine’s Day? All You Knead Is Love.
What’s Cupid’s favorite candy? Hershey’s Kisses.
What did the lightbulb say to the lamp on Valentine’s Day? I love you a watt.

You can always count on these funny Valentine's Day jokes.

Short Valentine’s Day Gags

The best Valentine’s Day jokes for a brief romance.

What do you call an army of baby Cupids? An infantry.
What did the scientist say to his valentine? I think of you periodically.
What do pigs say on February 14? Happy Valen-swine’s Day!
What did one triangle say to the other on Valentine’s Day? You’re acute.
What’s the worst kind of flower to get on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflower.
What’s the most romantic part of a fork? The valen-tines.
What kind of lettuce does Cupid eat? Hearts of romaine.

How much do people like getting candy on Valentine’s Day? A choco-lot.
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
How do cows ask out their valentines? They wooooo them.
What did Han Solo tell Princess Leia on Valentine’s Day? Yoda one for me.
What Valentine candy never shows up on time? Choco-late.
What’s Cupid’s favorite card game? Hearts.
What did the measuring tape say to his date on Valentine’s Day? We be-long together.

Cute Valentine’s Day Jokes

Say “Happy Valentine’s Day” with one of these adorable jokes.

What did the painter say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? I love you with all my art.
Why was the ghost sad on Valentine’s Day? She didn’t have a boo.
What did the vampire say to his valentine? You can count on me.
What did the injured patient tell the nurse on Valentine’s Day? I have a crutch on you.
Did Adam and Eve ever have a Valentine’s date? No, they had an apple.
How did Saturn propose on Valentine’s Day? With a ring.
What did the sheep say to his valentine? I love ewe.

How can you save money on Valentine’s Day gifts? Be single.
Who always has a date for Valentine’s Day? A calendar.
Why did the valentine get arrested? For stealing hearts.
What kind of dinner does Cupid eat? A hearty one.
What did the barista say to her valentine? I like you a latte.
Why do oar makers always have a Valentine’s date? They’re very row-mantic.
What did the rabbit write to his secret crush on Valentine’s Day? Somebunny loves you.

Even More Hilarious V-Day Jokes

Whether you have a date, are single and ready to mingle, or plan to binge Netflix and eat ice cream on the couch, these jokes for Valentine’s Day is for you.

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
What did the vegetable farmer say to her sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? I love you from my head tomatoes.
What do you call a ghost’s sweetheart? His ghoul-friend.
What did the ghost say to his date on Valentine’s? You look boo-tiful.
What’s Cupid’s favorite rock band? KISS.
Why do tennis players make the best valentines? They have a lot of experience with love.
You know why my feet are always cold on Valentine’s Day? You knock my socks off.

Where did Cupid learn how to shoot his bow? At arrow-mentary school.
Did you hear about the bedbugs who fell in love? They’re getting married in the spring.
How did the telephone propose on Valentine’s Day? With a ring.
What’s it called when three people go out together on February 14? Valen-trine’s Day.
What did the volcano write in his Valentine’s Day card? I lava you.
What did the plate say to the bowl on Valentine’s Day? Tonight, dinner’s on me.